During the past two weeks, Bozeman has seen an unprecedented amount of strange weather patterns ranging from far below zero temperatures in December, to sunny, spring-like days in early January. This phenomenon, which was at first attributed to climate change, has been revealed to be a plan by MSU faculty to decrease student enrollment.
Enrollment at MSU has become a heated topic in the past years, as the administration’s strategic plan calls for a goal of 16,000 students by 2016. Faculty are concerned the substantial increase will lead to overpopulated classrooms and decreased admission standards.
“We want students who are serious,” said Dr. Elmo Fired, an MSU professor studying water purification. “We want them to have a thirst for knowledge. Too many students are focused only on skiing and the outdoors.”
Citing MSU’s appeal based on it’s pleasant climate and proximity to mountains and skiing, Fired continued to explain that a large group of faculty members came together in November and decided the only way to get what they wanted was to sabotage the pleasant weather.
“We thought about actually talking to the administration to solve our problems,” Faculty Senate President Sandy Storm said. “But in the end, we decided it would be simpler to just ice out the unwanted students.”
“All in all, it wasn’t hard to go underground and build a weather machine,” Storm said. “With all our different disciplines coming together, it was a breeze to go from idea to implementation.”
However, driving students away has been harder than the faculty predicted. “In December we tried to freeze them out by inducing frigid temperatures, but that just made the skiers happy,” Fired said. “Now we’re trying unseasonably warm weather, and of course all the students from California are elated. We really can’t win.”
Storm noted the faculty is willing to implement more extreme weather—including sleet, hail, ice storms, fire storms and sharknados — to reach their goal of “1,000 students, maybe 2,000 at most.”
“Look, we know the administration is happy with the influx of students and we don’t want to rain on their parade,” Fired said. “But at this point we are so frustrated that we would legitimately consider making it rain on a parade.”
The administration has criticized the tactics, saying though they appreciate the innovation of the faculty, using the machine is “reprehensible.” However it was announced Tuesday the administration plans to go further underground to build their own weather machine. According to an MSU spokesman, they “hope they can attract more students by crafting perfect weather patterns.” The spokesman declined to say where the administration got the idea from.
In regards to the soon-to-be clashing machines, a frazled-looking Chief Bozeman Meteorologist Sunny McCloud said, “we really have no idea what to expect, but I only see this going poorly.”