Possible university policy results in dangerous attempts by students to pay for college

A rumor claiming students are entitled to full tuition to Montana State if hit by a vehicle owned by the university has sparked a heavy increase in students attempting to be hit by MSU automobiles. Injuries ranging from twisted ankles to spinal fractures to slight discomfort have been reported, as desperate times prompt students to call for desperate measures.

With the rising costs of tuition, books and housing, MSU students have resorted to finding unique ways to make ends meet. “I used to donate plasma, but that only got me about $40 a pop,” said a third-year student, who declined to give his name. “You wouldn’t believe how hard it is to qualify as a paid sperm donor!” However, his hopes are high, as he is keeping a lookout for any vehicle with an MSU decal.

The anonymous student noted he has not approached any administrators to ask if this was a real policy, but hinted several of his friends have tried this new method of paying for school.

“Honestly, what’s a broken arm or some bruised ribs? Or even a fracture or two? I mean, especially if you’re from out of state. Imagine getting your tuition paid for and all you have is a week in the hospital, tops!” The student admitted he had not done research on vehicular accident injuries, but he ended his argument with, “go big or go home.”

MSU staff who operate the vehicles around campus have been instructed to take defensive driving and safety courses. “Just the other day, a girl threw herself in front of my car!” bemoaned Walt Mercy, a custodian. “They have us taking this course where we learn how to dodge students — it’s crazy! I mean, these kids are paying a lot of money, but to throw yourself in front of a half-ton van to get through school? There must be a better way.”

Said one MSU Administrator, “there isn’t.”