Human and Zombie Couple Wants to Legalize Human-Zombie Marriage

There often comes a true love story so pure and heartwarming that it must be told in the weekly newspaper. Such is the story of Harrell Wood, a 21-year-old human, and Marla, a beautiful zombie, who fell in love, had a secret romance and are currently fighting the federal law prohibiting them from marrying.

It all started during Humans vs. Zombies week, when Wood and his friends went to fight in the zombie apocalypse, held from noon to three every weekday outside of North Hedges. On Monday afternoon, Wood split up from his squad while trying to kill zombies with his prized Nerf N-Strike Elite Centurion Blaster, a gift passed down to him from his father. It was then he came across Marla gnawing on human flesh and when they locked eyes, he knew something clicked between him and her.

“She was…the most beautiful thing I had ever seen,” Wood described. “It was basically love at first bite,” Marla explained. “Besides, I actually have a thing for humans with big guns.” Wood and Marla secretly explained that for the rest of HvZ week, they would secretly meet every evening to continue their secret love affair, secretly.

They knew beforehand about the HvZ restrictions against human and zombie relationships (see section 4, article 17); If they were ever found together, they would be forced to never see each other again, or worse, be forced to have their bandanas taken away from them. And so, whenever Wood and his friends would go out to fight the horde, he would tell them to split up as an excuse to be with Marla.

Unfortunately, word of their affair broke publically, angering both humans and zombies who have taken HvZ very seriously. A zombie was reported stating this was “immoral,” and it made him want to “gnaw his own face off.” A human stated it’s “an abomination for a human and zombie to fall in love,” and, “it’s tradition that humans and zombies are meant to kill each other.” He concluded that anybody who disagrees is “wrong.”

Fortunately, there are humans and zombies who have come out to support Wood and Marla, and want to push marriage equality. They have also stated that anybody who disagrees is “wrong.”

Wood and Marla are currently taking this controversial case to the Supreme Court to fight for their love and make human-zombie marriage legal. This story has been addressed by President Obama, who released the statement, “I believe humans and zombies deserve to be as miserable as straight couples,” adding HvZ was “overrated from the beginning anyway.”