Drivers and pedestrians unite against cyclists

After years of near-collisions and slamming on brakes for idiot cyclists, a group of agitated students united to form the “F*** You Cyclists Club” following a meeting of both pedestrians and drivers last Thursday. Newly elected club president Albert Hedorah told the Exponent, “I almost get run over every day walking to my dorm by some dickcheese hot-rodding down the hill on a fixed-gear.”

Added local party legend Chaz Chad, “I almost smoked one in my truck the other day when he zoomed across an intersection.”

The F*** You Cyclists Club encourages pedestrian members to carry around baseball bats, two-by-fours, lead pipes or other blunt objects to knock people off their bikes. Fundraising efforts are currently underway to buy vehicle grill guards so members can run cyclists over without damaging their cars.

The new club wasted no time in executing their mission. By Tuesday, the club reported that fifteen cyclists had either been run over or bludgeoned off of their bikes. “A good start,” Hedorah said while brushing brain matter off of his coat, “But we can do better than that.”

Hedorah was met with applause as he assured the new club’s members, “We won’t put up with this s—t anymore. Happy hunting!”