Corporal punishment: The first week

In a surprise Valentine’s Day vote, House Bill 606, which offers criminals the option of corporal punishment in lieu of jail time, passed the Legislature last week. Montanans were understandably cautious about the bill, which, insiders speculate, passed quickly because members of the House wanted to “get the hell out of the Capitol for the day.”

The bill allows convicted persons to negotiate a physical punishment with the judge in lieu of jail time. Rep. James Crow, R-Justus Township, the bill’s co-sponsors, describes HB 606 as an “excellent opportunity for scum to reform. If I hadn’t been blindfolded and beaten with lead pipes for peeking in the girls’ locker room when I was younger, I wouldn’t be half the man I am today!”

Crow went on to say that “the eye for an eye system of justice is often overlooked. Think how hard it would be for criminals to repeat their crimes if they were actually blind!”

The Exponent took the time to gather the first round of trials and punishments utilizing this fascinating new law:

  • Lina Gigan, a Kalispell resident convicted for fraud, was tricked into thinking she had met an online boyfriend who claimed an Ivy League degree and a six-figure salary. In reality, he only held a community college degree.
  • Jimmy John of Billings, convicted for physically assaulting his wife, was sentenced to a thorough pimp-slapping at the hands of the court bailiff.
  • Alexis Antone, a Great Falls woman who was administered a spanking with a steel paddle for stealing a DVD from Wal-Mart, repeatedly stole more merchandise and requested the same punishment each time, claiming she “Loves the way it hurts.”
  • Upon being found guilty of deliberate homicide, Nirvana Flats resident Frank “The Butcher” Laggerton requested the corporal punishment option. Presiding judge Richard Wayne agreed, promptly produced a .44 Magnum pistol, and shot Laggerton in the head.

A lawsuit filed by the Laggerton family against the Department of Justice is currently pending.

Despite the controversy surrounding the bill, its main sponsor Rep. Jerry O’Neil, R-Columbia Falls, proudly stated, “After allowing legislators to carry firearms in the capitol, this was the next logical step. I dare say a censure won’t be such a mild punishment anymore!”