Wildlife enthusiasts welcome yearly return of Gym Fairies

It looked like just another day at the Marga Hosaeus Fitness Center: The building hummed with the quiet murmurs of treadmills and the occasional crash of weights dropped by meatheads trying to make themselves look cool. The only thing that seemed out of place was the increased number of people using elliptical machines and exercise bikes.

Only to the untrained eye, of course.

Wildlife enthusiasts turned out in full force this month in gyms across Montana to welcome the annual return of the Gym Fairies; elusive, spandex-clad creatures with an uncanny resemblance to college-age women that can be found inhabiting the cardio machine section of any fitness center.

“The Gym Fairies are a fascinating species,” said Montana Gym Fairy Society President Patrick Archie. “They appear at the beginning of every new year, perched atop treadmills and stairsteppers. They are almost identical to the other gym patrons, only identifiable by the misplaced look of optimism and determination in their eyes.”

Of special note to the Gym Fairy watchers is the mysterious dance known as “Oula” that the creatures perform, a bizarre mixture of frenetic movement and terrible Top 40 music. The Gym Fairies can be seen performing this mystical ceremony every Tuesday and Friday at 5:30 p.m.

Not everyone shares the wildlife watchers’ enthusiasm, though. Susie Stepper, a senior who has never missed her 7:00 a.m. weekday workout since coming to MSU, expressed disdain at being mistaken for a Gym Fairy year after year. “They take up all of the machines, it’s really annoying. Plus, I have waymore pervy old guys staring at my but than usual,” She lamented.

Readers hoping to get in on this wonderful yearly occasion must act fast. Patrick Archie wishes to remind would-be watchers the Gym Fairy season is fleeting. After appearing in droves in January, they slowly begin to disappear from the gyms. Astute observers can then usually find them retreating into local bars, however.

“They invade the fitness center at the year’s beginning with their proclamation to lose weight. Any progress they make is thrown away as they hide away in bars, until self-loathing drives them back to the gyms as the new year begins,” Archie explained.

“It’s the circle of life,” Archie said, while wiping a reverent tear from his eye.