After watching a History Channel special titled “Mayan Galactic Alignment,” local Brett Erikson has renounced his Bozemanite lifestyle to pursue more indulgent ends. Citing the impending armageddon of Dec 21, 2012, Erikson no longer sees value in maintaining his Bozeman reputation.
Erikson’s first move was to trade in his hail-dented Subaru Outback for a certified pre-owned 2006 Hummer H2 so when disaster strikes he can “go where nobody else can.” He is still in the market for an ATV and a snowmobile so he can have “the ultimate transportation setup.”
Erikson reportedly left his black lab, Bridger, in the back seat of the Subaru when he traded it in. “Sure, it was hard to leave her, but I’m looking into training a mountain lion as an armageddon companion,” Erikson explained.
Erikson plans on shopping less at the Co-op and mainly eating at McDonalds. Financial reasons did not influence this decision, “it just tastes f—king good. I’ve been lying to myself for years about fast food,” Erikson said.
Some habits aren’t easily broken — Erikson says he will continue to drink Pabst Blue Ribbon beer and he won’t be getting rid of his skis. “I need the skis to get to my underground bunker, and besides, I paid more for these skis than my old Subaru,” he said.
Erikson’s bunker, camouflaged with bags of dirt but thoughtfully decorated with prayer flags on the inside, is located at his “sick backcountry spot.” He would not disclose the location of his hideout, even if we weren’t facing impending doom. The bunker is full of a five-year supply of Big Macs and PBR. Erikson also managed to make use of his engineering degree by turning his old road bike into a stationary man-powered electrical generator.
Not everyone agrees with Erikson’s end-of-days prophecy. MSU anthropology professor Mary Brooks says the Mayan long-count does not imply a cataclysm.
“The Mayan calendar is a wheel. It will turn to the beginning again this December, just like our calendar starts over every January,” Brooks said, adding “Did he seriously leave his dog at a dealership? I would never do that to my Madison.”
Erikson said Brooks is naive. “Look it up; Nostradamus prophesied this,” he said. “The earth is going to be caught between the sun and a black hole, causing a polar shift and complete chaos. It’s just science.”
At press time, Erikson was reportedly hospitalized after attempting to collar a wild mountain lion.