Halloween weekend highlights

In the news

Local thrift stores have reported they are unable to keep their shelves and racks festively stocked through this year’s nine-day Halloween season. Sack’s employee Cami Bouquet advocated closing the store altogether Halloween day to avoid backlash from frustrated customers. “I’ve already angered multiple customers by suggesting they dress as a lumberjack,” Bouquet said. “Our current stock simply doesn’t meet our demands.”

In an effort to boost its popularity among locals, the Holiday Inn has extended its continental breakfast to “any and all revelers who find themselves with morning walks of shame” over the Halloween season. Walk-of-shamers need not identify themselves to take advantage of the free breakfast, as “their appearances should speak for themselves.” Holiday Inn management hopes this will help the inhabitants of the apparent refugee camp which recently popped up in the Walmart parking lot.

Princess Leia has endured excessive teasing since the news that Disney bought the “Star Wars” franchise. Leia pouted that “Everybody’s calling me a ‘Disney princess’ and asking about my upcoming animated film.” Leia claims she has no ties to Disney and declared, “There will not be an Episode VII as far as I’m concerned. I refuse to get involved in my brother’s shenanigans and animation is overrated.”

Police reports

Police were called to Bar IX at 1 a.m. Saturday after a religious debate between a sexy nun and Jesus escalated on the back patio. The nun was appeased when Jesus walked across Bozeman Creek.

At 3 a.m. Saturday, police responded to a loud house party only to find disgruntled partygoers leaving. One reported, “We ran out of beer, and Jesus couldn’t turn water into wine. I knew that guy was a fraud.”

Seen around town

Kiah Abbey was spotted at former ASMSU President Blake Bjornson’s house party dressed as Blake Bjornson. Bjornson was dressed as Dionysus.

Waded Cruzado was spotted at Martha Potvin’s dinner party dressed as the new College of Business building.

Matt Caires was spotted walking downtown dressed as a Blue Bobcat Cup.

Ilse-Marie Lee was spotted through the window of Quad F playing the cello, dressed as a cello.