End-of-the-Year Porn will Return, Free-Range Style

In response to student outrage about the “End-of-the-Year Procrastinator Porno” cancellation late last April, Associated Students of Montana State University (ASMSU) has decided to screen a free-range, local, organic porn at the end of the year. The choice did not come without strong deliberation, but student leaders voiced their support of the decision.

“This is the right choice,” ASMSU senator Brandy Handstrong stated. “We are in the business of changing campus culture for the better, but we want to have fun, too. Organically made, local porn is the best way to do that.”

The National Youth for Marketing Porn Holistically Organization (NIMPHO), a new student group on campus, has rallied behind finding alternative sources of porn for public consumption. Godfrey Gitsum, Vice President of MSU’s NIMPHO chapter, explained the philosophy behind the loca-porn (much like the celebrated locavore food trend) movement: “Organic, local porn is entertainment that you don’t have to feel bad about watching. It feeds your body and your soul.”

In line with the burgeoning slow-food movement, where participants take time to cook and enjoy food prepared by friends and family, the loca-porn movement seeks to connect grassroots pride with entertainment that supports the actors, actresses and overall contributors to the porn industry. “From writing to filming to screening, all our porn is conducted in an ethical manner,” loca-porn producer Cherry Poppered said. “Our actors are hand-picked, allowed to roam between shots, and given all the creative freedom they ask for.”

The organization and its supporters hope to revolutionize the porn industry, one town at a time. As loyal pornavore Clent Jorgenson stated, “This is the beginning of a new way to approach sex in America — it’s not your dad’s porn.”

There is some tension between the loca-porn movement and traditional porn outlets. Corporate porn giant Man-sent-oh has been protesting the local porn movement, citing the known economic benefits of large-scale porn production.

ASMSU, however, is using this opportunity to create a new identity for porn on MSU’s campus. The choice for the Procrastinator’s end of the year porno, “Tapped,” faced heavy competition from such films as “Boob Inc,” “An Inconvenient Lust,” “Fast Sex Nation” and “King Porn,” all films produced by up-and-coming loca-porn producers.

The ASMSU administration, when confronted about the reversal of their earlier decision, explained they just felt better about using student funds to promote organic porn. “Organic, local porn is something ASMSU can really get behind,” said ASMSU President Kiah Abbey. “It is easy to fit into our mission and position.”

 

Disclaimer: The Sugarbeet is a biweekly satire feature. It falsely quotes public figures and non-existent people and sometimes completely makes stuff up in the name of stimulating discussion around critical community issues.