Condi and Cruzado’s Wild Night Out

Coming fresh off a speech at the Republian National Convention, Former Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice delivered a rousing presentation of music, wisdom and encouraging words to the incoming freshman class for Freshman Convocation 2012 last Wednesday. The night lost its luster soon after, as a “celebratory drink” turned into a cross-town rampage fueled by whiskey and third-wave feminism.

Following Convocation, University President Waded Cruzado joined Rice for a celebratory bottle of wine at Plonk in downtown Bozeman. According to witnesses, things soon got out of hand as the two drank the entire bottle and demanded more. University Honors Program Director Ilse-Mari Lee pleaded the two to slow down, but Rice rebuked her, smashed a bottle of Opus One wine and challenged the bartender to a knife fight.

After they were politely asked to leave Plonk, Rice and Cruzado made their way to the Bacchus Pub to perform a slurred karaoke rendition of “America the Beautiful,” which reportedly morphed into Lil’ Wayne’s “Shots” halfway through. The duo then made their way to Bar IX, where Rice and Cruzado engaged in a whiskey shot contest with one another.

Soon, a disagreement over who had drank the most shots escalated to a physical confrontation behind the bar, with Cruzado swearing she would make Rice bleed blue and gold. When police arrived on the scene, Rice was calmly smoking a cigarette with a black eye while eyewitnesses claimed Cruzado was seen sneaking out the back entrance of the bar shortly after the cops arrived.

“Damn, that was the craziest fight ‘tween two chicks I ever seen,” described eyewitness and fifth-year-senior Chaz Chad. “If only there had been a mud pit around.”

In response to the incident, the Montana University Board of Regents temporarily suspended Cruzado from her position as President. She will continue living in the President’s house and may be allowed to return to her duties if it is determined she acted in self-defense. A statement from the Republican National Committee decreed Rice would be retroactively stripped of her National Convention speaking engagement and records will be altered to say Larry the Cable Guy performed a standup routine instead.

In response to the controversy, Rice told the Exponent, “I hope I set an example for the incoming freshman class. You should live passionately, never vicariously.”