Last Friday, the Exponent nearly gave Dean of Students Matt Shares a heart attack. “I walked up to the office just to say hi and couldn’t believe my eyes when the entire staff was naked. Just standing around the office in their birthday suits like there was nothing weird about it!” he exclaimed.
“The paper instituted a Casual Friday program about two months ago,” explained a red-faced and recently clothed Eric Dietrich, the Exponent’s Editor-in-chief. In exchange for pinky promises that they’d never miss another deadline “ever again,” the staff was allowed to exchange their normally professional outfits of suit jackets and skirts for T-shirts and jeans.
“It just sort of spiraled out of control,” Dietrich said. “It was such a gradual progression. One minute I was wearing jeans and my short-sleeved button-up shirt, and the next we were all naked.”
The event made even some staff members uncomfortable. “This was totally unacceptable,” whined outgoing news editor and philosophy major Garrett Smith. “I feel victimized.”
“The event was totally non-sexual,” clarified humorist Nate Carroll, who described the experience as “freeing.”
Dean Shares added that “There were a couple lookers, but even with this mild winter, most of them were pretty pale.”
After years of being useful only when you run out of toilet paper, the Exponent has succeeded in embarrassing even itself with this fiasco. As of press time, it is unclear whether any laws or university policies were broken.
Smith claims, however, that his fragile mind was irreparably damaged. Despite these allegations, the Student Health Center released him Monday, after minor treatment for a bruised ego.
Managing Editor Derek Brouwer crumpled into a bleary-eyed, exhausted heap on his desk and lamented the situation. “Shit. We’d better not tell Shares about the ‘Dudes of the Exponent’ calendar we were going to use as a fundraiser.”