Sugarbeet: MSU to Launch ‘Conservative Arts’ Program

In response to the wide diversity of potentially conflicting opinions presented in liberal arts institutes across the country, MSU announced plans this Monday to launch a “Conservative Arts” program. MSU professor and newly appointed program director Johan Oldmeier promised this new initiative will “make America great again,” presumably referring to the Golden Age of conservatism in a distant, romanticized past, when the Cuyahoga River caught fire due to a lack of pollutant regulation and people still died of things like polio.

“While liberal arts programs encourage introspective self-searching — like smoking weed,” Oldmeier explained, “this conservative arts program will focus on strict discipline and controlled learning environments, using the judicious application of medication and military force to obtain both.”

“Yes, that means Ritalin and corporal punishment,” he clarified.

The focus of MSU’s program will be job creation and reducing dependency on a “coddling, socialist” federal government. Bill Chainman, the program’s assistant director, explained that students will have to fashion their own desks, whittle their own pencils and physically construct the building that will house their program to teach them that “the federal government can’t do everything for you.”

“We’ll provide the textbooks, though; we don’t want them getting any funny ideas,” Chainman added.

Furthermore, only one or two students will pass each class, underscoring the conservative mantra that equal opportunity shouldn’t result in equal outcomes. “Not everyone is a winner, and we’re not going to waste money just to print certificates pretending they are,” Oldmeier explained. “That would be asinine.”

Both men pointed to a model that has already proven very successful for many Montana families. The model, according to Oldmeier, allows parents complete control over “controversial” subjects like evolution, global warming and the law of gravity.

To get a better idea of the model program, the Exponent spoke to 9th-grader Michael Strong by phone. “Yeah, it’s great. I get to work at my own pace and I don’t have to deal with the liberal bias of the media. We use Conservapedia, instead of Wikipedia and its anti-God Common Era dating system,” he said. “We even had a guest lecturer today: Mom turned Fox News on to the O’Reilly Factor.”

Current MSU students had more mixed reviews of the program. Humanities students were worried about losing even more funding to a job-creating program. When Chris Zimny, a senior in mechanical engineering, was asked about a conservative arts program, he replied, “Isn’t that what engineering is?”