“I hate Valentine’s Day,” complained MSU sophomore Matt Carroll in an interview with the Exponent this Wednesday. After spending all night with his girlfriend Emma Sausalito, he seriously doubted whether he’d be able to catch up on all the “shit” he had to do.
“It’s not even the expensive dinner, overpriced roses or mass-produced cards that really rub me the wrong way. My girlfriend insisted that we spend all night having sex.”
In his interview, Carroll explained that sex is “inconvenient” for most men. “Masturbation is just so much simpler,” he said.
“When I’m alone, I can hurry up and finish and still catch the latest rerun of ‘Golden Girls’ and not waste time with unnecessary things like foreplay and cuddling. It takes 10 seconds for me to be ready for sex, so I don’t get what’s taking her so long,” he said.
Sex cuts into other aspects of a man’s life, according to Carroll. He cited difficulty in achieving his necessary nine hours of sleep when his girlfriend suddenly wants to fool around at midnight and he has to wake up for a 9 a.m. class. “She just doesn’t get it, man,” Carroll lamented.
Carroll also enumerated the various ways in which his girlfriend’s “insatiable” sex appetite was ruining his grades. “I have an essay for College Writing I due next week that I haven’t even started,” he said. He also had “at least” 10 math problems he needed to “really plow through.”
Not to mention all the expensive, emotional “bullshit” that comes with a sexual relationship. While not “super pissed” about all that stuff, Carroll was “a little bit peeved” that he had to buy dinner and flowers.
“The emotional stuff is the worst though,” said Carroll, whose girlfriend purportedly tried to talk to him for over 10 minutes while he was pretending to fall asleep after sex.
The Exponent asked alleged girlfriend Emma Sausalito for an interview to present the woman’s side of the story. When questioned about Valentine’s Day, Sausalito began to lay out a conspiracy in which Hallmark Cards, the Hershey’s Company and Teleflora join forces once a year to profit off cards, candy and flowers, while single people “suffer at the hands of this corrupt capitalist-oriented holiday.”
But when pressed about her boyfriend, Sausalito responded uncertainly to the request: “Matt who? … I think there’s some kid in my writing class named Matt who’s always staring at my breasts.”